I took this quiz:


Then, I found out that I’m a Pleaser-Vacillator.

I know why. Mom was the Pleaser. Dad was the Vacillator. But I’ve yet to reach half of the book to know exactly why.

I’m just tired of the same old patterns I fall into when I’m in a relationship. So, I’m actively seeking for the solution.

Relationships are never perfect. But to be okay with that imperfection, to know that it is a part of the wonderful person that we all are, that is the goal.

He has been sick for more than a week now. He reminds me a lot of myself from a year ago, when everything overwhelmed me. The difference is I let my world crash down on me. I think he’s stronger than that.

My job was stressing me physically, emotionally and mentally. It started with the new hire I was assigned to train. We had clashes from the get go. She acted like she knew everything. I didn’t mind that, but I often got called out on her mistakes. I talked to my manager about the matter. I extended my patience upon his request to no avail. She was a prime bitch. She had started badmouthing me to people. So I left. It became too toxic.

I came to realize that people like her actually exist.

I found myself crying in front of an empty baseball field, fearing for my future. The job market in Toronto didn’t and still doesn’t look promising.

On one hand, my then-fiancé started getting busier at work too. We were starting to argue more intensely. Every bit of advise he gave me ticked me off. I only wanted somebody to listen quietly to me as I was going through a series of opposing emotions. I was confused. He was confused that I was confused. It didn’t help that he wanted to decide for me because I couldn’t decide for myself.

I wanted to slow everything down. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be deaf from people’s voices and my own fears.

So, I broke off our engagement.

I was alone. I was in a limbo for a week.

Then I started feeling liberated. For a couple of weeks, all I did was walk around the city - exploring TTC routes I haven’t been on before. My brother and I had more time together. For a while, I didn’t feel any trace of anxiety.

I suppose everybody goes through a phase like that. One doesn’t need to quit a job or break an engagement like I did.

We all just need to slow down.

The world will not explode if you can’t tick everything off your to-do list. It will not end even if you feel like it might. Not yet.

So, I wish my dear will be well soon. But there’s no hurry. I hope he regains his peace. We all need a lot of that.

Okay, toughen up, woman.

It’s not going to help anybody if you are emotionally and mentally weak.

So, fucking pull yourself together. It will be fine.

Lighten up.

Pale blue dot.
Pale blue dot.

I’m just going to keep on writing until all is well.

This is what my best friend pertained to as the pain I needed to write again.

Mantra for the day:
It’s gonna get better.
It’s gonna get better.

If there’s one thing I learnt this week, it’s this: Learning can be painful. And most of the time, the things we learn through the pain are the most profound.

One: humility. Being a twenty-something in the corporate world, my idealism can border to arrogance. I got a rude awakening from the boss. I don’t make the rules. If I don’t like it, I can choose to leave. My sharp tongue caused a stir. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it was the right thing to do. Someone had to say something. I was at the point of not caring whether I get fired or demoted. I still have my job. I didn’t get what I wanted but I was close. Now, my boss knows when to stop asking me for more work.

Two: letting go. This still makes my insides tremble. I have this bad habit called vindication. Somebody forgot that I needed my lunch too. It took a long time for me to forgive them. But I was the one suffering. I cringed and cursed every minute I was typing my existence away in front of that computer. It threw me off how people can get over things in as little as 24 hours. 

And that’s what I should have done in the past 24 hours. He was trying to expunge himself of the negativity of his own terrible week, while I was still mulling about it and kept bringing it up in conversations. I kept blaming myself for something I didn’t do. That’s stupid. Before this gets redundant and annoying, I’ll go to sleep and restart.

And they say they won’t change. And they ask you not to as well. But the funny thing about life is: it will make you change.

Now, if you’re among the many who can’t grow and change with a person, be alone then. People were never made to fit moulds.

But if you’re like the few who can, stay for the ride. Fight, if you must. Make them feel like they’re important, because they are. Because the only thing we all need, at the end of the day, is at least one person who believes in us. That one person who believes that the reasons we never fit in moulds are important and noble pursuits in life.

I don’t normally do this but I have to say this now.

I don’t trust leaders that don’t take care of their sanity and well-being because that jeopardises his entire unit. I need you to have a sound mind so you can make sound decisions, which involves not saying yes to every last minute request an irresponsible person asks of you. Because, at the end of the day, he does not respect you. Nor does he respect your company. And I am slowly losing my respect for it too. I am so close to losing my sanity and being paid $12 an hour with no benefits is not worth it at all.

It is funny how people always insist that they are right. 

Being right is the most arbitrary thing ever.

Unless we’re talking about numbers.

But, everything else relies on social proof.

What everyone thinks must be right.

Well, history will tell you, the majority is often foolish.

So, I’d say, nobody’s right. 

Unless, of course, we’re talking about numbers.

Statistical numbers, scientific numbers, that sort.

Ya hear?