He has been sick for more than a week now. He reminds me a lot of myself from a year ago, when everything overwhelmed me. The difference is I let my world crash down on me. I think he’s stronger than that.
My job was stressing me physically, emotionally and mentally. It started with the new hire I was assigned to train. We had clashes from the get go. She acted like she knew everything. I didn’t mind that, but I often got called out on her mistakes. I talked to my manager about the matter. I extended my patience upon his request to no avail. She was a prime bitch. She had started badmouthing me to people. So I left. It became too toxic.
I came to realize that people like her actually exist.
I found myself crying in front of an empty baseball field, fearing for my future. The job market in Toronto didn’t and still doesn’t look promising.
On one hand, my then-fiancé started getting busier at work too. We were starting to argue more intensely. Every bit of advise he gave me ticked me off. I only wanted somebody to listen quietly to me as I was going through a series of opposing emotions. I was confused. He was confused that I was confused. It didn’t help that he wanted to decide for me because I couldn’t decide for myself.
I wanted to slow everything down. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be deaf from people’s voices and my own fears.
So, I broke off our engagement.
I was alone. I was in a limbo for a week.
Then I started feeling liberated. For a couple of weeks, all I did was walk around the city - exploring TTC routes I haven’t been on before. My brother and I had more time together. For a while, I didn’t feel any trace of anxiety.
I suppose everybody goes through a phase like that. One doesn’t need to quit a job or break an engagement like I did.
We all just need to slow down.
The world will not explode if you can’t tick everything off your to-do list. It will not end even if you feel like it might. Not yet.
So, I wish my dear will be well soon. But there’s no hurry. I hope he regains his peace. We all need a lot of that.